Research:
For the relationship between children and parents, there are some negative effect from it.
Since a child survival depends on their caregiver, the child has no other choice but to undertake whatever role or standard they are expected to meet in order to be accepted and loved, at least conditionally. Attempts to resist are usually recognized as disobedience, as being bad, and the child gets punished: actively (beatings, yelling) or passively (silent treatment, rejection).
The child often grows up thinking that they are indeed a failure, a disappointment, a bad person. Such a person often struggles with toxic guilt and shame. They are also confused about who they really are since they have been conditioned not to be themselves and be whatever they are expected to be. In other words, they are conditioned to self-erase.
Early roles and expectations set by our caregivers are very difficult to let go of and may take months or years of therapy and self-work to identify and escape from.
Also there are some useful suggestion of how to communicate better.
- 1. Time it right
Timing is everything. Whether you’re after some emotional support or something else, you’ve got to get the timing right. Tune into what’s going on in the family, and pick a time to talk when your parents/carers aren’t stressed or distracted by other things. It may be easier to have a conversation when you’re in the car, rather than during the morning when everyone is trying to leave the house. It also helps to start with an opener like, ‘Hey, do you have time for a chat today?’
If you’re in a crisis or need urgent help, then this doesn’t apply – just go for it.
- 2. Use ‘I’ statements
This one is genius. Instead of saying, ‘You don’t care about me at all’, try this: ‘I feel really upset when [insert issue here].’
When you use ‘I’ statements, you’re taking responsibility for your own emotions, instead of trying to ‘blame’ them on someone else. When you use the ‘you’ word, it can make the other person feel attacked, and so they’ll be far less likely to listen to you.
The short version: ‘I’ = constructive conversation; ‘You’ = potential argument.
- 3. Take the pressure off
The ‘no pressure’ approach to communication can work really well. Here’s how you do it: ‘Hey, I wanted to talk to you about [insert issue here], but I don’t need an answer right now. I just want to put it out there for you to think about and get back to me when you’re ready.’
This approach can work because it’s less demanding than a straight-up request. It gives your parents/carers time to think an issue through in their own time. Plus, it shows that you’re being patient, reasonable and mature.
- 4. Try some active listening
If you want your parents/carers to listen to you, you kind of have to listen to them, too. Active listening is a great technique that shows others you’re listening to their point of view. Here’s how you do it:
When they say, ‘I’m sick and tired of asking you to clean your room. It’s disgusting!’, don’t jump in and interrupt them mid-sentence. Take a breath and try saying something like, ‘I hear that you really want me to clean my room. I’ll try hard to be better at that.’
When you indicate to someone that you’ve heard what they’ve said to you, it really brings down the tension in a conversation.
- 5. Take a break and try again
Despite all your efforts, sometimes things can just get really heated. The next time you notice a conversation with your parents/carers is heading toward an argument, stop and take a break. Collect your thoughts and think about how you’d like to be talked to. Once things have chilled out a bit, you can try again with this new strategy.
Everyone loses their cool every once in a while. If you regret something you said or did when you were angry, own up to it and say sorry. This shows that you’re willing to take responsibility for your actions, and your parents will be more likely to trust you.
If you’ve tried a few times and feel like you’re getting nowhere, think about who else you can talk to – a friend, maybe an aunty or uncle, or a teacher.
I’m going to research more about the other kinds of relationship in next week.
Why:
Personally, I have learned how to do this through years with all different kinds of intimate relationship. After hundreds of fighting, quarrel and heart breaking. I hope to find some way that could instruct people with how to build up a stable and comfortable relationship with the people we love.
For the society,
I think it’s a great way of avoiding dissatisfaction, conflict, or even the end of relationships.
Also, it could enhance relationships’ quality and longevity.
Doing this in a certain way is also beneficial for personal growth and development, as it often involves learning to communicate effectively, show empathy, compromise, and respect others’ perspectives.
How:
I came up with a card game which could intimate the whole process of communicating process. My intervention would invite people to engage with this game and test the accessibility.